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[personal profile] hummingbirdmadgirl
so this might sound shitty, and it's not meant to, and i'm not stating things as absolutes, just how i observed them.

i wasn't really friends with anders, acquaintances yes, but even that was inconsistent at best. we had some very difficult conversations that were really more like arguments over the years on FB and LJ that tended to revolve around her vocal disgust for overweight people, ugly people, hippies, extreme dieting, (occasionally) muslims, feminists, people on welfare or any social program...our ideals just didn't jive on the most basic of levels. at the same time i was fascinated by her, maybe because she seemed so aggressive or maybe because i'm fascinated by people i don't get along with, or maybe because i always feel like it's somehow my fault if i don't instantly like someone, that it is some shortcoming on my part, or maybe i was just fascinated by the fact that she truly didn't seem to care about her detractors, i don't know what it was. she was always nice to me but i couldn't look past my own issues and i assumed that her niceness had more to do with the fact that my being a dj in "the scene" than any value i held outside of that (and my scene value was pretty low to start off with anyway). but really when it came down to it, i owed her, my first not-college-radio-or-lounge djing experience was doing the first Darkside Walkers thing in Arlington.

i had a lot of respect for her work ethic though, because she -never- gave up. she promoted her shows like they were all headlining gigs at the boston garden, she promoted her friend's bands or her students from School of Rock as if they were all Motley Crue. It was amazing to me because she'd work so hard and pretty much got lambasted a lot. I remember alternately cringing or taking part in some of the insane flame wars she provoked on the b0st0n community or on the noise blog...and for all the shit she got from people, she never fucking gave up, she never seemed to crack at all, which is really pretty remarkable. her passion for what she did was just that strong, her skin was just that thick, she believed in herself and in the boston music scene enough that she didn't care what people thought of her, she just wanted to get people to go out and see live music...i couldn't have put up with the shit she dealt with for a day, let alone over a decade. but her dedication to her muse was just that strong. even though she was often met with a lot of resistance and not always a lot of respect, she always carried herself like a rockstar.

i'd kind of forgotten about her (which is fair because i moved across the country and haven't kept up on boston scene things) until pretty recently when we got into a discussion on a mutual friend's FB wall and it was the same old banging of heads. she'd sent me a friend request and i deleted it because it felt more like she was just collecting people vs having any real interest in knowing me, and especially after i'd moved, especially after FB made it next to impossible to even see friend's postings, i'd been spending more time deleting people vs adding them. but then i felt sort of like a dick about it, like who am i to decide that someone isn't interesting enough to know on the internet, that the word "friend" in livejournal or facebook is sorely overused and undervalued. it bugged me though, that i'd deleted it, it felt arrogant or something. because no matter what i felt about her politics or the way she sometimes carried herself, i still respected how much she worked her ass off, and i always felt like i really owed her for that foot in the door.

then she died a truly horrible death.

the news broke yesterday and i watched as people who i'd previously seen completely rag on her any time she'd put herself out there suddenly sing her praises and act as if they'd lost a best friend. on one hand it made me happy because yeah, regardless of anything else, she did a ton for a scene and a city she cared for and that is what she should be remembered for, that is how she'd want to be remembered, she wanted to make boston her empire. she tried and she tried really really really hard. she was relentless and passionate and those things totally deserve commemoration.

but it also kind of pissed me off in a weird way. i don't know if it was her young age or the horrific circumstances under which she passed, but something about seeing people who vocally disliked her or didn't know her talking about going to her funeral, going through all the sorts of very visible signs of public mourning...it seemed disingenuous on some level. where was all this love when she was alive? i mean hell, in the wake of her death i've probably thought more positive things about her than i ever did during her life...why the fuck is that? why do we just take people for granted while they are alive and then the minute they are no longer with us, the moment they may never be able to appreciate or acknowledge these positive sentiments, that is the exact moment that those sentiments are overly abundant?

i mean, i'm not saying i'm -not- a part of this culture. even by writing this post i clearly am. i never wrote an lj post about her when she was alive, and here i am doing it now. and man, i just see all of the loving things that people are posting about or to a dead woman's wall and i can't help but wonder how much better off we'd all be if we were so open with our communication when the other person could actually response or at least hear what we had to say. obviously that wouldn't have had any impact on the fire or her death, but it would've made life just that much more awesome. why is it so hard? are we afraid that we cheapen the sentiments by sharing them freely? are we afraid of people getting overbloated egos? do we just not think about things until it is too late?

it's so easy to have a thousand friends on social media and still feel or be alone. it's easy for everyone to assume that someone else is being kind or taking care of each other...it's easy to just fall in amongst the masses and do the minimum to maintain some sort of social connection now, and on one hand it has its merits, but on the other hand it kind of sucks. it's so easy to feel like "oh yeah, we're friends on lj or fb so we totally know what is going on in each other's lives" but really that's rarely the case, in the same way it's way easier to eulogize people than to celebrate them when they're alive.
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