Dec. 12th, 2013

hummingbirdmadgirl: (Default)
i am always on my half assed quest to not let this journal die out.

things are going moderately well. i have a terrible cold which kind of sucks. what sucks more is when you have a terrible cold and it's "cold" outside you (if you are me) tend to get all introspective and frustrated about things. though really this seems to happen every winter, winter seems to be when i get overly nostalgic and when i'm not being overly nostalgic, i'm probably doing something i'll regret later on. well that latter part is more how i used to be. i feel these days i've got my shit together reasonably well. but nostalgia is the mindkiller, not fear.

but some things are frustrating me. i had this dream where in it i realized i was a failure...and i woke up totally convinced that it was true. it's hard because a lot of my former classmates are huge successes in their respective fields, and i'm kinda disabled and not sure what i'm doing with myself. i never wanted to be someone who was defined by their job or their tax bracket, but i'd also prefer feeling more useful than i do right now. sometimes it just feels pathetic when people are talking about their jobs and how important they are and i'm just like "whee i have a dog" and honestly, i love having a dog and i love walking my dog, but i didn't fucking put myself through two years of running myself into the ground with school & work to end up doing nothing. i think this is the one time where i get really pissed about my illness. because i worked so hard to get my degree and then eventually ended up in a city where my degree matters (people out here love emerson) and i feel trapped...i have no problem starting something entry level, but if i do that i lose my insurance depending on how much i make and that truly makes a huge difference. the system is so weird in that it makes it incredibly difficult to get into it (seriously disability is designed to deter people) and seems to make it equally difficult to get out. urgh.

healthwise stuff has been moderately stable for a while now so my goal is to find some places to volunteer at (as hollywood is rife with opportunity in that department) and then see how i do in terms of accountability and stability. if i can keep something up for 6 months without crashing, maybe i can start looking for a job, even if it's not some sort of career track thing, just something to push myself and see what i'm capable of. this has been the first week since august that i haven't had my foot all bound up and that's been pretty exciting. if there is one thing i can now say with absolute certainty, foot surgery sucks way more than you'd -ever- expect it to. it takes forever to heal and since there's not a lot of plasticity in your foot, when stuff has to swell, it goes into your leg.

one thing that i sort of miss, as the year winds down, is the mix-cd secret santa thing. i get that with spotify, grooveshark, and soundcloud mix-cds have gone the way of the mix tape, but i still really got a kick out of sharing music and seeing what other people were into. maybe i'll make something and throw it online.

otherwise stuff is...it's stuff. taking more flow classes, trying to get enthused about ethan's work party (because really in terms of holiday work parties, i imagine one thrown by dr dre has to be pretty ridiculous) and gearing up for the holidays. maybe i'll see if there's somewhere we can volunteer on christmas since why not? we're not hugely into the consumption or gluttony thing (things you seem to lose interest in when you're sober, have food allergies, and don't have a big family to content with) so maybe we'll find something productive to do.

oh and i want to see catching fire.

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hummingbirdmadgirl

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