hummingbirdmadgirl: (Default)
[personal profile] hummingbirdmadgirl
so this might sound shitty, and it's not meant to, and i'm not stating things as absolutes, just how i observed them.

i wasn't really friends with anders, acquaintances yes, but even that was inconsistent at best. we had some very difficult conversations that were really more like arguments over the years on FB and LJ that tended to revolve around her vocal disgust for overweight people, ugly people, hippies, extreme dieting, (occasionally) muslims, feminists, people on welfare or any social program...our ideals just didn't jive on the most basic of levels. at the same time i was fascinated by her, maybe because she seemed so aggressive or maybe because i'm fascinated by people i don't get along with, or maybe because i always feel like it's somehow my fault if i don't instantly like someone, that it is some shortcoming on my part, or maybe i was just fascinated by the fact that she truly didn't seem to care about her detractors, i don't know what it was. she was always nice to me but i couldn't look past my own issues and i assumed that her niceness had more to do with the fact that my being a dj in "the scene" than any value i held outside of that (and my scene value was pretty low to start off with anyway). but really when it came down to it, i owed her, my first not-college-radio-or-lounge djing experience was doing the first Darkside Walkers thing in Arlington.

i had a lot of respect for her work ethic though, because she -never- gave up. she promoted her shows like they were all headlining gigs at the boston garden, she promoted her friend's bands or her students from School of Rock as if they were all Motley Crue. It was amazing to me because she'd work so hard and pretty much got lambasted a lot. I remember alternately cringing or taking part in some of the insane flame wars she provoked on the b0st0n community or on the noise blog...and for all the shit she got from people, she never fucking gave up, she never seemed to crack at all, which is really pretty remarkable. her passion for what she did was just that strong, her skin was just that thick, she believed in herself and in the boston music scene enough that she didn't care what people thought of her, she just wanted to get people to go out and see live music...i couldn't have put up with the shit she dealt with for a day, let alone over a decade. but her dedication to her muse was just that strong. even though she was often met with a lot of resistance and not always a lot of respect, she always carried herself like a rockstar.

i'd kind of forgotten about her (which is fair because i moved across the country and haven't kept up on boston scene things) until pretty recently when we got into a discussion on a mutual friend's FB wall and it was the same old banging of heads. she'd sent me a friend request and i deleted it because it felt more like she was just collecting people vs having any real interest in knowing me, and especially after i'd moved, especially after FB made it next to impossible to even see friend's postings, i'd been spending more time deleting people vs adding them. but then i felt sort of like a dick about it, like who am i to decide that someone isn't interesting enough to know on the internet, that the word "friend" in livejournal or facebook is sorely overused and undervalued. it bugged me though, that i'd deleted it, it felt arrogant or something. because no matter what i felt about her politics or the way she sometimes carried herself, i still respected how much she worked her ass off, and i always felt like i really owed her for that foot in the door.

then she died a truly horrible death.

the news broke yesterday and i watched as people who i'd previously seen completely rag on her any time she'd put herself out there suddenly sing her praises and act as if they'd lost a best friend. on one hand it made me happy because yeah, regardless of anything else, she did a ton for a scene and a city she cared for and that is what she should be remembered for, that is how she'd want to be remembered, she wanted to make boston her empire. she tried and she tried really really really hard. she was relentless and passionate and those things totally deserve commemoration.

but it also kind of pissed me off in a weird way. i don't know if it was her young age or the horrific circumstances under which she passed, but something about seeing people who vocally disliked her or didn't know her talking about going to her funeral, going through all the sorts of very visible signs of public seemed disingenuous on some level. where was all this love when she was alive? i mean hell, in the wake of her death i've probably thought more positive things about her than i ever did during her life...why the fuck is that? why do we just take people for granted while they are alive and then the minute they are no longer with us, the moment they may never be able to appreciate or acknowledge these positive sentiments, that is the exact moment that those sentiments are overly abundant?

i mean, i'm not saying i'm -not- a part of this culture. even by writing this post i clearly am. i never wrote an lj post about her when she was alive, and here i am doing it now. and man, i just see all of the loving things that people are posting about or to a dead woman's wall and i can't help but wonder how much better off we'd all be if we were so open with our communication when the other person could actually response or at least hear what we had to say. obviously that wouldn't have had any impact on the fire or her death, but it would've made life just that much more awesome. why is it so hard? are we afraid that we cheapen the sentiments by sharing them freely? are we afraid of people getting overbloated egos? do we just not think about things until it is too late?

it's so easy to have a thousand friends on social media and still feel or be alone. it's easy for everyone to assume that someone else is being kind or taking care of each's easy to just fall in amongst the masses and do the minimum to maintain some sort of social connection now, and on one hand it has its merits, but on the other hand it kind of sucks. it's so easy to feel like "oh yeah, we're friends on lj or fb so we totally know what is going on in each other's lives" but really that's rarely the case, in the same way it's way easier to eulogize people than to celebrate them when they're alive.

Date: 2014-04-03 02:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I hadn't heard about this until now, so I googled her name to get the story. All I can say is Wow. How awful.

Date: 2014-04-03 11:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*blink* *blink* this is the first i've heard of this... ?!
i want to ask "what happened?!" but it seems inappropriate.

Date: 2014-04-04 11:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
thanks. also thanks for writing up your thoughts on it.
i barely knew her well enough to nod hello when i saw her at events, but she was one of those larger than life personalities that it's a shock to lose nevertheless.
the way i feel about it syncs up with one of your earlier posts that was ridiculously evocative for me, specifically the one about how memories of things that don't seem so objectively important can nevertheless feel so rich and meaningful, even when the rational part of you looks back and asks "where the hell was the substance in THAT?!"
With Anders' passing, I feel like I've lost a little bit of part of my life that was objectively unimportant, but is full of some of my most luminous and fiercely cherished memories, even if it would be impossible to explain why those memories matter so much to me (although you managed it better than I ever could )

Date: 2014-04-04 11:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
actually, looking back, the stuff that you've written about nostalgia that's stayed with me is distributed through several posts. but in any case, you write about it really well.

Date: 2014-04-03 02:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I was sort of in the same boat as you. I used to hang out with her often due to a collection of mutual friends. I found her world views just so entirely incompatible with mine as to preclude any sort of friendship. I didn't dislike her, I just didn't like her, if that makes sense.

Her passing, aside from just being tragic on its own, makes me very sad for the community she worked so hard to support. She was the champion for a lot of artists, and without her their world is going to be much harder.

I think most anyone would be happy with that assessment of their lives: what she did in life mattered. it mattered enough that even people who weren't close to her saw her impact on the world and appreciated it.

Date: 2014-04-03 05:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
she was -so- nice before she turned into the queen of controversy, and while that's the anders i'd prefer to remember, that's also from like, 12 years ago.

i'm sure someone will step in and fill her shoes though, there always seem to be people waiting in the wings

Date: 2014-04-03 02:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I wonder how much of the effusiveness in this case stems from guilt. This could also explain almost all cases.

Date: 2014-04-03 04:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This is exactly what I was going to say.

Date: 2014-04-03 05:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
i wonder. i mean honestly, she was spiteful and arrogant a mean spirited, at least in my opinion. she could still be all those things and be of value to "the scene" (or the 11% she declared herself in charge of) and i'm not going to suddenly say we were besties and that i valued her friendship. honestly i'd hope that when i go the people who thought i was a dick still think i was a dick and don't whitewash their feelings. i mean, -i'm- never going to know one way or another.

i just find it curious though, even if this was someone else, why this happens. the last time i remember someone in the scene dying a violent and sudden death, the outpouring of love was massive, though he was the sort of person that cultivated that, and i have no doubt he knew he was loved by tons of people before he died.
Edited Date: 2014-04-03 05:24 pm (UTC)

Date: 2014-04-03 03:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
why do we just take people for granted while they are alive and then the minute they are no longer with us, the moment they may never be able to appreciate or acknowledge these positive sentiments, that is the exact moment that those sentiments are overly abundant?


Date: 2014-04-03 03:33 pm (UTC)
alonewiththemoon: Drumlin Farm Banding Station 2016 (Default)
From: [personal profile] alonewiththemoon
The people already using her death to try to get people to go to their own events is what I find the most distasteful.

Date: 2014-04-03 04:27 pm (UTC)

Date: 2014-04-03 04:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
completely. though the one instance i've seen of that, they are donating the door to the school of rock, though i haven't been keeping up on how many memorial shows there are going to be
Edited Date: 2014-04-03 05:25 pm (UTC)

Date: 2014-04-03 08:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
The thing that's freaking me out the most is that I have absolutely no recollection of her at all. Pictures of her don't prompt any "oh yeah, her" moment, her name doesn't sound familiar, talk of her politics doesn't ring any bells.... There's just a complete blank. And I know my memory has been affected by MS but I'm pretty sure I never even knew she existed despite being in the same scene for fifteen years and knowing people in the bands she promoted, etc.

The world is huge, and the vast majority of it is beyond us.

Date: 2014-04-04 12:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm having a similar experience. I know her name because she sent me a fb friend request ages ago (I accepted then deleted her when I realized I wasn't reading her stuff), but I don't know her face and don't recall ever meeting her. I must have, though, and that makes me feel a little guilty.

Date: 2014-04-04 01:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
she showed up in the scene/boston around 2002/2003 if that helps

Date: 2014-04-04 01:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
i wouldn't be surprised if your paths never crossed. she moved to boston in 02/03 and didn't get super active until a couple years later, which i think would've been around the time you were busy with either school or nursing...she wasn't really ever a part of the snotgoth scene...i primarily knew her either from the DSW stuff or through the b0st0n music was way more her forte

Date: 2014-04-04 11:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ah, I never cared much about live music beyond my favorite bands. So I probably never did meet her.

Date: 2014-04-04 02:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Same here! It's plausible that I never met her, since I was never particularly deep into the scene, especially when it came to local acts, but seems unlikely given how damn small Boston is.
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